Here's how it is: I'm on my own. Been that way since the last person I cared for got sick and started dying. Somedays I can't handle that. But somedays I keep going. The wheel never stops turning, as Mal says, and right about now I am a person on the rim. Here we are on the raggedy edge. I've always been independent. Always taken care of me and mine--only now it's just me. I'm not sure what I want to do next. I've got not much money, no advice, no direction, no one around who understand my particular kind of pain truly and... I'm still alive. Take hope in that fellow travelers. We push through the pain, we do what needs to be done. And I need to be doing more doing and less sitting around (unless it's sitting around writing my thesis. that's the good kind of sitting).
Part of my sudden lapse into ramblyness is obvious- Birthday week draws to a close. It began with a fun 80s musical and ended with "Time Stands Still" a serious play about life and what matters and how we deal with tragedy in the world (among other things). Just put me in a more serious mood I guess. Which is good because B-Day being over it's time to get serious. I'm a quarter of a century old for christssake. I want to get this Master's degree and be done. I want... everything and nothing. Change and to be the same, right here in this warm room with my cat.
It's been a good week of birthday-ness. A hard week in some respects. But that was hardly unexpected. And now I press on. The wheel never stops turning.
