the woods is the only place i can see a clear path

Here's how it is: I'm on my own. Been that way since the last person I cared for got sick and started dying. Somedays I can't handle that. But somedays I keep going. The wheel never stops turning, as Mal says, and right about now I am a person on the rim. Here we are on the raggedy edge. I've always been independent. Always taken care of me and mine--only now it's just me. I'm not sure what I want to do next. I've got not much money, no advice, no direction, no one around who understand my particular kind of pain truly and... I'm still alive. Take hope in that fellow travelers. We push through the pain, we do what needs to be done. And I need to be doing more doing and less sitting around (unless it's sitting around writing my thesis. that's the good kind of sitting).

Part of my sudden lapse into ramblyness is obvious- Birthday week draws to a close. It began with a fun 80s musical and ended with "Time Stands Still" a serious play about life and what matters and how we deal with tragedy in the world (among other things). Just put me in a more serious mood I guess. Which is good because B-Day being over it's time to get serious. I'm a quarter of a century old for christssake. I want to get this Master's degree and be done. I want... everything and nothing. Change and to be the same, right here in this warm room with my cat.

It's been a good week of birthday-ness. A hard week in some respects. But that was hardly unexpected. And now I press on. The wheel never stops turning.

Day 5 of BDWk

Thursday... a little shopping, a lot of sleep, catching up on podcasts (last 2 Dollhouse Cast eps are epic!), and eating fancy ramen. There we go.

A week of food, relaxation, ignoring real life, and sobbing (which I don't want to get into, but sufficed to say, if you are not parentless & an only child you don't understand the searing pain and loneliness. there are all kinds of pain I can't understand such as being abandoned by a parent or being widowed. but my personal brokenness is a bitch. And it hurts worse this time of year because of my birthday, because I lost a treasured friend earlier last month, and because it's always with me. I love my birthday. But it's hard to love a day that drives home the fact that the people who birthed me are no longer there. Hell, my mom's OBGYN is dead now too. No one is left to remember my birth or me as a child in our 3-person family unit. And that is an aching pain.)

did you know I share my birthday with the guy who played Ethan Rayne on Buffy? And I share birthday week with George A. Romero born Feb 4th (and apparently, according tonights' 30 Rock, Jenna). wacky Aquarian fun.

Day 3 of BDWk

another (seemingly slow) day that I enjoyed. Got my nails did (Russian Navy because... why not?) and a chair massage because the 5 minute massage that comes with the manicure was not enough. The masseur gave me a horrified look and said "you need 15 more minutes at least." Later he told me I had more tension that Jack Bauer. The massage was horribly painful as all good massages seem to be but after it was over it was great. Then I took a long long walk through NOHO and LES (I keep forgetting how close I am to Astor Place) and ran to Pomme Frittes for non-vegan deliciousness that cancelled out all the good exercise I got walking around. Now I'm back home skipping a reading at school I should have gone to for a night of tv, Dresden Files, and a little Jameson.

And a happy birthday shout out to fellow-Aquarian/Birthday weeker Brent Spiner!!

Day 2 of BDayWk

quiet day: made some potato soup just now, shopped around on 5th ave (didn't buy anything bu decided a- i have enough dresses until the Perfect Cocktail Dress appears & b- i need to stop my obsessive shopping for cosplay elements. you don't know how many crappy peasant tops i've tried on looking for the perfect Saffron shirt), and generally was lazy. Not too bad. Also a small package bearing some $, cake mix & chocolates. Nice.

Rock of Ages was super fun last night, though to quote the emcee, it was totally Cougar Sunday. I think I was the youngest one in the rather rowdy theatre. But it was great and I loved Tom Lenk especially (which is good because he was why I went) and I can now officially state that Amy Acker is a lucky woman (her husband, also in the show is hot. And I can totally see them together). On the downside, I've had REO Speedwagon songs in my head all night/day.

And so Birthday Week Begins

In an effort to ward off the birthday angst (not to be confused with the Thanksgiving pissiness or Mother's/Father's Day irked-ness) I'm bringing back Birthday Week. As a very small child I had four parties. It was a freakin' Jewish holiday it lasted so many days. Not big or lavish parties, but a lot of 'em. A lot of people and cakes and happiness.

So Bday Week begins tonight with"Rock of Ages" which I know is silly but everyone says it's super fun. And Tom Lenk is in it and it should be crazy-fun. Just the kind of thing to kick things off.

Meanwhile it's super-cold here (another thing that effs with my birthday-ness--February in south Texas is warmish, rather delightful, and flower-filled). The weekend has been not-so-productive but full of British tv--watched my way through Hotel Babylon & Primeval. Today pre-show I'm watching Lifetime (Lying to Be Perfect- delighftul) and going to hit the farmer's market so there will be potato soup later. Yay Yay.

Meanwhile.... Happy My Birthday Week to all of you!