the woods is the only place i can see a clear path

Here's how it is: I'm on my own. Been that way since the last person I cared for got sick and started dying. Somedays I can't handle that. But somedays I keep going. The wheel never stops turning, as Mal says, and right about now I am a person on the rim. Here we are on the raggedy edge. I've always been independent. Always taken care of me and mine--only now it's just me. I'm not sure what I want to do next. I've got not much money, no advice, no direction, no one around who understand my particular kind of pain truly and... I'm still alive. Take hope in that fellow travelers. We push through the pain, we do what needs to be done. And I need to be doing more doing and less sitting around (unless it's sitting around writing my thesis. that's the good kind of sitting).

Part of my sudden lapse into ramblyness is obvious- Birthday week draws to a close. It began with a fun 80s musical and ended with "Time Stands Still" a serious play about life and what matters and how we deal with tragedy in the world (among other things). Just put me in a more serious mood I guess. Which is good because B-Day being over it's time to get serious. I'm a quarter of a century old for christssake. I want to get this Master's degree and be done. I want... everything and nothing. Change and to be the same, right here in this warm room with my cat.

It's been a good week of birthday-ness. A hard week in some respects. But that was hardly unexpected. And now I press on. The wheel never stops turning.

If wishes were horses we'd all be eating steak

missing one part of home: the Special Hell Whedonish Halloween party. The time of the year when we all dress up as such favorite characters as River-on-a-stake, slinky-dress-Zoe, Elder Gommen, floating chandlier, giant strawberry, etc. LJ tells me she's going as girl-Niska, and her date is Crow. Last year I was girl-Jayne (aka "Jayne's a girl's name!") with my date, floral-bonnet-Mal. Good times with friends, fellow browncoats and 'questioning' the buffet.

Meanwhile, i'm trying not to be sad, watching Firefly (still a little pissed about the Castle thing), thankful the parade outside isn't too loud, and drinking heavily with a cat sleeping on my feet. Happy(ish) days, I suppose. But sure wish i was back in the Special Hell...

And BTW, Saffron, you could do a hell of a lot worse than being wed to 'the large one.' I would be happily wed to him... (and that's why i can't watch Mad Men... between YoSaffBridge and than sonofabitch Conner...)

Prairie Harpy Dispatch

I love Shawna Trpic. Probably one of the reasons Firefly appeals to me is the clothes. I'm not saying I walk around looking like a Triumph settler or anything, it is kind of close to my personal aesthetic--combat boots and summer dresses. Hell yes. Thus I'm always on the look additions to what LJ calls my "Prairie Harpy" look (UO has a lot of cute stuff, but they usually don't fit me well... i've got too much goin' on up top).

Lately I am all about these boots which remind me of River's.

Happiness in the whedonverse

Buffyfest issued a joking-ish list of 'happy' times in the Whedonverse.
I beg to differ--there are some profoundly happy moments in Joss' shows. And in response I offer this list, which came to me in the middle of the night:

Happy Moments in the Whedonverse

• Tara and Willow so happy dancing that they float off the floor (in Family, I believe). Sure we all know (now) their miserable fate, but it's a transcendentally beautiful moment.
• As is Tara and Willow singing in OMWF (though, admittedly, Tara is under a spell)
• Zoe and Wash in bed discussing Zoe's death. Adorableness.
• Inara and Mal enjoying a cup of 'engine wine' at the end of Shindig.
  
• The whole crew of Serenity eating dinner together like a happy (if slightly dysfunctional) family at the end of Safe.

Almost-could-be-considered-Happy:

• Anya all adorable pre-wedding (though we know how that turned out...)
• Fred. In general, but especially when she got all excited about tacos. She was such a spark of happy in the dark show.
• Spike's sacrifice at the end of Buffy season 7. He's ready to go and seems happy (kind of) to give up his life (so he thinks). And it's just so fitting it's almost happy.
• Can I count the 'We are as gods' fantasy? Please? It makes me happy every time.
  

Trouble with fandom

Monday, I was in court, ready to go up and be rubber-stamped through the probate process, when I looked down at my cardigan and realized I was wearing two Firefly buttons:

• Yessir, Cap'n Tightpants
• Also I can kill you with my brain

not exactly the sentiment(s) I wanted to express to the judge.

It gets better: the day before I was in church, wearing another cardi with more inappropriate buttons:

• Frak
• Gorramit!

Because church (fancy church) is totally the place for faux-expletives.
I also had a copy of Introduction to Humanism in my purse. Hmmm....